Cultivation and Relationships:
Maintaining a Harmonious Household
By: Lin Ai Wei (Lin Zi Yi)
Maintaining a Harmonious Household
By: Lin Ai Wei (Lin Zi Yi)
Life is not without cause, at least through the views of there being Life and Death. With this view in mind we can understand that because there is a view of life, there will be an outcome of the view of death. From this view myriad outcomes manifest in order to re-mind one, and have one realize that both the views of Life and Death are impermanent, and thus empty.
Because of attachment to views, there is an un-attachment to views. This duality confuses many, and causes numerous dialogues to be written, books sold and lives spent in the ebb and flow confusion. What is the ebb and flow confusion? It is simply the view that we can not break out of the ebb and flow, the cycle of the ups and downs we “experience”.
As children we inherit the habits, thoughts and views of our family, especially parents. Once we enter school life, we inherit the same things from our classmates and teachers, and once we enter societal living, we again inherit the same from society. This inheritance is vast, and has a foundation of myriad emotions, views, desires, which lead one to feel obligated to uphold societal, familial and friendship impositions.
These mannerisms further shape our views of our own personal life, and its function becomes so redundant in our mind that we fail to recognize it. Thus results in our daily habitual existence and experience of reality.
As a cultivator, one aims at realizing the root cause of their views of “reality” so as to awaken to their function and put them down. Why must one’s views be put down? In order to awaken to their true mind, that which does not rely on causes and conditions to “be”. Once this is done, the cultivator will realize what it means to truly “Live”.
Because of social conditions, having a relationship is the norm. Social conditions impose on humans the view that having a significant other is proper living; that having a family is the goal of being born. Though this view has changed a bit over the past several decades, it has not changed totally conception wise. People still hold to the view that having a family is the most important.
The cultivator, if not with a partner, strives for total awakening, free from the imposed views of society and family. For having a life-partner will only hinder their mind, and cause outflows which are the attachments and obligations acquired for living with another, or maintaining the household view.
A cultivator would accept the home-life under the circumstances that his or her partner also chooses to cultivate. Daily practice together would ensure that both are diligently working to rid themselves of their imposed views and the causes of them through their karma, and awaken to the true mind that is covered by the myriad afflictions they have acquired over countless lifetimes.
With this in mind, cultivation becomes quite a challenge for both. Sometimes one or the other may feel bored, frustrated, or conflicted between their past views and the right views being cultivated. Sometimes one or the other will forget their goal
And lose their diligence for a short time.
This situation results due to the force of their past views striving to be entertained. It is likened to the term “Ye Zhang” in Chinese, or afflictions. Some may have a more of an afflicted mind than others, and thus will act upon their views of affliction. This acting upon one’s afflictions created more afflictions and further pushes them back in their cultivation.
When this occurs views of a self manifest as greed, then anger, ignorance and lastly arrogance. Each one of the four afflictions manifests myriad aspects which influence one’s mind greatly. These influences in turn cause the cultivators to disregard the other, and separation results.
Many hold the view that they can begin and end a relationship as they see fit. This mannerism actually isn’t in right views. It causes more afflictions in the mind more than simply dealing with the one’s there already. People feel that if their partner doesn’t fulfill them, then they can end the relationship, and find another one at their liking.
This view is twisted in ways one can not even fathom. One’s partner is just the mind of the other. People do not just happen to like someone and then try to work things out. Liking another person is simply one’s afflicted mind. The like is usually based on physical afflictions of lust, and a view of how life should be. These thoughts usually trap the two people into a relationship that is filled with ups and downs on a regular basis, and eventually lead to a very confused life.
Cultivators of the way, whether already in a relationship or looking to begin one, must at all times cultivate patience and compassion if they are to succeed in their practice. When with another person, patience and compassion are the two most important aspects of the relationship. Some say love is, but they are wrong. One can love today and hate tomorrow. What kind of stability does love bring?
Love does not guarantee anything. People make excuses for their love, even paint a picture of having to accept their partner’s bad qualities along with the good. That is simply an impossible deed unless the one accepting has already put down their own personal afflictions. The only true way to cultivate the acceptance of another’s bad qualities, or afflictions, is patient.
What is one being patient with? They are being patient with themselves only. When one’s partner acts in frustration, anger, or even ignorance, it is time for patience. Arguing never solves anything, but discussing the causes and conditions which led to the view of unhappiness, greed and anger is the healthier method.
Most cultivators have partners who do not practice. This can be a frustrating reality for the cultivator, for living with another who cares not for realizing the true mind is likened to living in two different worlds. There would be constant conflicts if both maintain their stance of righteousness; “You can’t spend your time meditating. I am lonely.”, or “All you want to do is watch T.V., when will you realize the brainwashing which takes place there.”
While both have points which hold good views, their actions taken in expressing it show the lack of the understanding of what patience is all about. There is a saying that goes, “Love is patient.” That statement has been the cause for many twisted views. It should actually be turned around to read, “Patience is love.”
For love to be patient there would be no arguments in one’s relationship. Since patience is love, that is non-emotional love, then all situations which are seen as problems within the relationship would become lighter and lighter until they do not even arise.
When two people chose to be together and accept a life of cultivation, it does not mean they become sexually pent up, frustrated people, nor does it mean they become sexually indulgent. Moderation, control and patience is needed in order to see pat the views of sex in a relationship.
One’s short-comings are another person’s cultivation. When another presents frustration, it is time to be patient. When they present greed, it is time to be generous without question. When ignorance is present, compassion and wisdom must be practiced, and when arrogance arises, selflessness and respect must be shown.
Views of a self result in thoughts of there being one to satisfy and one to receive satisfaction, when it comes to relationships. With the self in mind, greed enters easily, and one begins to create more views which empower themselves, and or result in regarding the other as someone who must follow, or service. This is quite common actually, and is a cause for many divorces and breakups.
The question is then, how does a cultivator maintain their practice while in a relationship with one who doesn’t cultivate? The answer is, the cultivator must at all times take into regard their discriminative mind. This means the cultivator must always know the cause of their impatience, anger, wants, likes and dislikes, as well as contemplate, investigate, how they affect their environment.
The most common cause of divorces or breakups in general is selfishness; “She/he doesn’t understand my feelings, my practices and doesn’t care for how I choose to live.” These are all selfish thoughts, and create separation within the relationship, thus arguments, resentment, regret frustration and eventually, if not fully broken apart, a life of constant hell-like features of emotional and mental suffering.
A cultivator must take into regards their significant other’s conditions; mental, emotional and lifestyle mannerisms. If at least one person out of the two is selfless, then the relationship can be brought to a harmonious expression. For a cultivator to maintain their practices while not imposing their own views on their partner, the cultivator must set a time earlier, from the time spent with their partner, for personal practices such as meditation, Sutra reading, and other energetic cultivation.
Yet, while spending time with their partner, the cultivator can put to use their strengths acquired from personal practice. These strengths express themselves as Virtue and Morality. Such strengths bear the mark of Patience, Compassion and Wisdom.
When there is a conflict, the cultivator should be fast to investigate the causes of the conflict, do not be quick to point fingers, and do not seek the one at fault. Simply understanding the causes results in wisdom of knowing the outcomes, and thus making the big situation a small one, resulting in eradicating the small problems altogether.
This example of steadiness in mind, patience and compassion for the mind of the partner create an outcome of peaceful regard for all things within one’s environment. This also causes the partner to question his/her views on the situation and their own behavior. Thus a non-imposed manner of cultivation begins to influence the household, and results in the cultivator and partner to work together, and sometimes indirectly, to eradicate myriad afflictions which would “normally” occur in an ordinary relationship where not even one of the two are cultivating.
In the event that both partners are cultivators of the way, proper cultivation resulting in wisdom, patience and compassion, the path is filled with much more obstacles depending on their capacity to exercise selflessness.
In order for both to harmoniously work together, they must put aside their views of being in control, put down their emotions and emotional love and views of right and wrong. Once this is successfully put down, the cultivating partners will be in a state of constant remembrance of their goal.
It is important to hold the right views of all conditions, experiences, as teaching expedients to allow one to stay mindful of their goal, to realize their causes and conditions for the myriad afflictions which arise in the mind. The right view that all things are teaching tools for awakening, for bringing the mind back to the mind, would enhance the couple’s own cultivation, thus allowing them to maintain harmony in mind, and in relating to each other.
It is that in some situations, the karma between the two people are not very conducive to maintaining a harmonious relationship. This is best seen before getting into a relationship. Yet, if one has already committed themselves, then taking responsibility for their choices is the most mature and selfless thing to do.
This means, whether a cultivator or not, one must not seek to have many partners at any single time, nor should they seek to end their current relationship in search of one more “balanced”, as most hold the view as. Society has, for too long, held to the view that a relationship is expendable. “One can find a partner at any time, so why bother trying to fix an already annoying, or frustrating one?”
The reason for not jumping from one relationship to another is that no matter who one spends their time with, it is still their mind which holds the view of harmony and imbalance. If one’s current relationship isn’t “healthy”, and there is a breakup based on this view, then the following relationships will also be unhealthy until the mind is freed from the afflictions which were the causes for the unhealthy relationship to manifest.
There are some exceptions to not breaking up. These exceptions are many, so I will only mention one. An exception may be that one of the partners has the karmic afflictions to cause harm to their significant other, and or their family, and thus for the sake of the majority’s well-being, if the person is not skilled enough to change it; lacks the merit and virtue to understand the causes and conditions of the situation, a break up would be the better move. Yet, that would not change the fact that the person attracts such things.
The mind and afflictions there in, attract what is current, what is already there. If a situation, relationship, is too much to handle, then for the sake of not accumulating more afflictions, separation would be best, but one must diligently cultivate, investigate the mind, in order to find the causes of such an experience. Only when those causes are found, and put down will the attraction of un-wholesome experiences in relationships end.
A cultivator practices patience, and becomes the embodiment of it. To not cause further manifestation of afflictions, it is best that a cultivator, if so chooses to have a relationship, investigates the cause and conditions for attracting the person they seek. This would offer a clear and balanced view reassuring wholesome outcomes.
Considering the various possible conflicts which may arise, a cultivator must always take responsibility for their decisions. By all means stay in the relationship to cultivate the most important mannerisms, patience, compassion and wisdom. For if these three are not well cultivated in one’s mind/heart, then all relationships will be chaotic.
One truthfully does not need a personal, romantic relationship with another. This view is only imposed upon by those who uphold such. A relationship is acquired, and also manifest due to karmic influences. People call it fate, and simply give in to the sensation of “finding their Mr./Mrs. Right”, but that is only based on their causes influencing the result in what they consider a favorable person to be.
Fate is only the most inevitable outcomes resulting from eons of giving into afflictions. Karma is the process in which these afflictions, whether good or bad, manifest. When one follows fate, they are still ordinary beings, when one changes and recreates their outcomes, they are exceptional, and when one puts down their afflictions entirely, they are sages.
In conclusion, being a cultivator and maintaining a relationship is a lot of work indeed, yet it is a method for cultivating patience, compassion and wisdom which requires one to see their causes and conditions for manifesting what they experience.
Though the whole world is available as a method for cultivation, a personal relationship is just a smaller mirror of the world environment. If one can not live harmoniously with their partner, it shows their lack of merit and virtue within, as well as displays their inability to deal with the greater world environment harmoniously.
An example, or what should be seen as an example, of a harmonious relationship filled with consideration and compassion, would be that of one’s parents. Unfortunately, the influence of modernization has caused the moral of respect for one’s elders to be in the lax. Children do not respect their parents as in the older cultures have done. Children also see their parents as a burden after a certain age, and thus look forward to leaving their parents alone, uncared for and financially unstable.
Since modernization, parents are seen as friends instead of wise authority figures. The sad thing is that the parents within the modern era gave into the mindset of enjoyment, irresponsibility and greed. This spread as an education, and resulted in the current social behaviorisms and family lifestyles seen today.
These views degrade harmony, and reflect un-wholesome education. When one’s familial relationships are not in harmony, so will be one’s future relationships. Everything is inter-connected and must be taken into account. In order to maintain a wholesome household, one’s views must change indefinitely; from selfishness to selflessness, inconsideration to compassion, anger and frustration to patience, flippant and ignorant behavior to wisdom.
This is only a brief outline of what a cultivator should look to practice while in a relationship. Whether or not both cultivate, the most important thing to be mindful of is one’s decisions and the responsibility therein. The first steps to understanding what it is to have a harmonious relationship begin with the family. Yet if the family relationship is imbalanced, it is best to seek guidance from the Buddha Dharma with reference to the Noble Eight Fold Path. These basic guidelines, if practiced diligently and sincerely, will result in a balanced home life in relation to family, friends and society.
I wondered why I was having a rough time getting all the way through those articles, but then I read this one here and I had a much easier time.
